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I dreamt of domestication. Mine.

Don’t sit like that; sit like this. No! We don’t eat that. Tame your hair. Wear these clothes. Feel these feelings. Think these thoughts. Take this path. Walk like this. Say these words. Here’s the line. Here’s the boundary within which you can play. Color within the lines. Stay on the trail, the wild is fragile, and it might kill you (what?!).

Everything I do is wrong. I can hear it in their voices. The frustration, the dissatisfaction evident and clear.  I fumble along, wanting to do it better and wanting to scream, “NONE OF THIS MATTERS!”

Dreamt of a bear, hunting and killing humans.
“What were you doing?” I ask.
Trying to get your attention.
I have something to tell you.
Then tell me. Please.
I’m feral. I’m what you will become if you tame and domesticate.

Dreamt of a wolf, standing over me, trying to make friends. I kicked him away.
I’m sorry, I say.
Thank you. And, don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. Even when you can’t see me, I’m here, standing guard. When you’re ready you will take your place and walk next to me.

The Key Keeper visits me next. Keys jingling in a ring.
Why are you here? I ask
You want to unlock your memories, yes?
I have the keys. The price is your blood.
How do I give you my blood?
Once you start, there’s no way out. There’s no going back. No numbing, no pain-relieving, no comfort, no solace, no escape.
Okay. Let’s get started
I’m not sure you’re ready. You answer too fast, pretending you have it all together. Nothing can hold you together, not superglue, secrets, love, or money. You are falling apart.
Key Keeper? I ask. Where are you?
Your liver. Your liver is the first key.